More than a month! Shame on me, shame shame! To my defense, I'm taking as many credits this semester as the university will let me (18! o.o). 5 of those are my Japanese 2 course, 5 are my upper-division microbiology lecture and lab, 3 are my Child psychology course, 3 are my Japanese culture course, one is my trigonometry class, and the final credit is being a graduate's research assistant.
My Japanese course is much harder than last year's, and I'm going back in last year's book to re-learn the kanji I forgot over the summer. -_-; If one takes any foreign language course, I would highly recommend not reselling or giving away your texts (at least for a few years), as such books are fantastic to still have for review. I've been studying Japanese for about 5 years now and I have a whole shelf of various Japanese language reference materials, ranging from whole books on particles, verb forms, kanji dictionaries, and children's books). The microbiology course is still scaring me... I really hope I do okay, especially since I took this course to see if I should be a microbiology major. Child psychology is really cool, and I think that I'll at least major in psychology. I want to have some kind of 'hard' science to go with it, though... Well, we'll see how it pans out - I have at least 3 more years before I graduate. I've been really excited about the research I'm helping out with. I'm currently putting about 3 years (out of 20 years) worth of a certain Pennsylvanian vet clinic's bat-rabies testing records into digital form. Okay, undergraduate research is invariably reduced to grunt work, but this is for a 20 year disease ecology for rabies in bats. This is what the CDC basically does when trying to find reservoir species of disease! In other words, this is about as close to real research as I'm getting for awhile.
The only downside to being so busy is that between having migraines and IBS, stress doesn't settle well with me. Also, I'm a chronic procrastinator and night-owl, so I swear I'm torturing myself in ways that sadists could only dream about. >.< On top of all that, the common bathroom is nowhere nearly as clean as it was last year, and my R.A. isn't nearly as able to warm up to an oddball like myself as easily as Mary did. I'm trying to make nicey-nice, and she's slowly warming up to me (like agar on a petri dish...argh! Microbiology strikes again!)
One thing I certainly don't have time for is spiritual issues. Or moral issues. Or politics, for that matter. Yet, given my masochistic tendencies, I've found myself whiling hours away on all three. (I'm beginning to notice a pattern... o.o).
Firstly, I keep having dreams that I'm pregnant even though that's not possible (while me and my guy are intimate with each other, I'm still not considered sexually active - doctor said so [yes, I asked -_-;]). Unfortunately, my highly irregular cycle only makes me more uneasy. Interestingly, if I decide to do so, this'll be the second pregnancy-test run I'll make in this month. Another girl on my floor had a scare a couple weekends ago, and I overheard her talking on her phone about being too scared to get a test at the store. Since I was just getting ready to bike there, I offered to pick her up one. THAT was fun... I'll have to write about it later. ^_^; Turns out it was just a scare, and she swore to be more careful next time.
15 dollars for peace of mind? Maybe not a bad idea...
I've had my TV on FoxNews when doing homework or on the internet. Now, if I have to pick a party, I consider myself Libertarian, so it's not because most of the commentators are Conservative-leaning. The thing I like about FoxNews is this - when CNN or MSNBC does debates, they'll get some Republican and a Moderate or some Democrat and a Moderate and they'll go "blah blah blah" for the next 7 minutes. At Fox, they get a Conservative and a Liberal and let them yell at each other. It's like football, only more intellectually stimulating (or perhaps the UK Parliament, as I've heard how those British politicians "debate"?) ^_^
Anyway, this week, I've felt like I could just give up on everything spiritual. Between pregnancy concerns, busy-ness, and some will-power issues, I've had very little concern for my eternal soul. Yes, shame shame... I've felt ready to put my Christianity out to pasture, as many of my in-group have done. I've just felt so... worthless... unexcited... Kinda jaded. Worn around the edges, and not in the lovingly-broken-in way, but the stashed-in-the-backpack-all-semester way.
BUT!
I've done some reading on Christian-based spirituality. Now, I'm a bit of a fundamentalist at heart, but I've also had a history with paganism and new age practices. As such, I'm not going to start thinking of God as Goddess (although God does transcend gender/sex) or start believing in reincarnation. However, I'm starting to see that I'm not alone in my background, that I'm not alone in my kind of spirituality.
I visited the Coven of Christ Ministry website, and, for the first time in what seems like forever, I felt excited! I wanted to break out my Bible again, and I wanted to commune with God again.
And this time, I can't help but feel, this will be with all of my soul; not anybody else - just me. 

[See, it's long, so I've redeemed myself, yes? ^.^ I'll not be so negligent from now on, I promise!]

Jaa! 

P.S. If you're interested....   http://www.covenofchristministries.org/site.html

No, this isn't the errant train of thought that I got into in the last post; this is something different, but no less significant.

"You are the company you keep"

I don't remember the first time I heard this, but it has stuck with me ever since. I've been thinking about this statement quite a bit during the last year or so. 

For Meyer's-Briggs people, I'm an INTP - (http://www.personalitypage.com/INTP.html). For the astrologically minded, I'm a Cancer. While not correct on all the details, this classification works to describe me pretty well. When I was in 5th grade, my moderately Catholic mother pulled me out of public school (the teacher described herself as 'a babysitter to a bunch of brats' to my father) and out me in a Baptist school. I stayed there until the end of 9th grade. Even though I was one of their best students and well liked by the faculty, I only had a few peers who were consistently nice (even a brave couple that sat with me during lunch). The teachers that actually taught me were convinced enough about my salvation that I was never specifically witnessed to, but about once a year, it would come out for some reason or another that I was Catholic. From my nicer peers, I heard the 'Roman's Road' about 3 times along with a number incredulous questions about practices or teachings of the Catholic church (I didn't really mind, since they seemed genuinely interested in knowing whether or not this-or-that was true). From the meaner ones, I was openly told that the Catholic church was Satan's refuge and that all Catholics were going straight to hell. While the latter opinions were officially rebuked (as one's church membership didn't determine their eternal destination), it only got worse as the years went buy, and I learned that the children of church members who help pay to rebuild a building not only don't have to obey the rules involving dating, but also got to treat the Catholic girl like a piece of scum. Human nature, I guess, but my primary teacher was the only one to advocate for me (he resigned after he heard that I was transferring for 10th grade).
Why does this matter? While I didn't have real friends at school, I was friends with a few people at the bowling alley I bowled at. These people were my real friends, the closest one also being from a Catholic family. As such, early on, I learned to live a kind of double life. I had my school face on, and I had my bowling face on. I was also going through some gender identity issues at the time, and on top of the spiritual issues, I slowly lost sight of who I really was: without the faces, without the identity issues, without anything to prove to anybody.
Then, my world changed. I returned to public school in the 10th grade, returning to some old friends that I had made over the elementary school years. While I didn't identify with a specific social circle, most of my friends fell into the 'freaks, geeks, and sci-fi/anime fan' circles. About this same time, mom and I stopped attending church (Dad, a Lutheran, hasn't gone to church since my first communion when I was 8). I had no Christian friends or Libertarian friends (most of my friends were either clueless about politics and didn't care or clueless about politics and very liberal nonetheless). The majority of my friends were pagan/wiccan, and the friends I had made from the bowling alley had all begun practicing paganism. This does not and has never bothered me, as I held similar beliefs for a chunk of my life, so while I didn't know all about athames or kitchen witchcraft, I felt a touch of spiritual camaraderie.
That is, until it came out for some reason or another that I was a Christian. Usually, it came from me getting a little tired of these friends (who had no idea what I really believed) either sneering that every single Christian was a hate-mongering, intolerant, unintelligent, piece of sh*t that was incapable of human emotion or intellectual capacity (This isn't an exaggeration; this is a slightly more intelligent wording of a statement that one of my pagan friends said to me at lunch one day.  She was cheered on by the others, who voiced their agreement) or I was actually asked (very occasionally) what I believed. After I 'came out', I found that my friends were suddenly a lot less willing to talk to me. Yes, a few of them had had bad experiences with other 'Christians', but this was after a year or two of friendship, so they knew me fairly well. In short, they liked me when they thought I was one of them, but shunned me as soon as my beliefs were revealed.
Being laid back, I simply continued to be friendly and waited for it to blow over. Eventually, they would see that even though I was a Christian, I was a human being who wanted to be friends with them, and they opened up again. Unfortunately, while the Christian-bashing was toned down a bit, it still happened periodically, and not a one ever apologized or acknowledged it. And, being me, I never said anything.
So, we all graduated, and I got to college last year. I made many new friends, and I now have a close friend who's also a Christian (something that's never happened). I also made many friends that are either in the Pagan Student Alliance or ex-Christians/Catholics. Again, it didn't bother me, but I was much more on guard this time. It never once slipped to these friends that I was Christian. We had no falling outs, and while I did have to bite my tongue every couple months or so when they just had to express how terrible Christianity was, things went very smoothly.
Hell, even my boyfriend didn't take that revelation well. When he found out I was "fundigelist" Christian (I'd never heard him screw up words before; he's very articulate), he demanded to know exactly what my beliefs were and whether or not I was dating him with the intent of coercing him into the faith. From my own lover! From the man that I trust with both my heart and soul! It broke my heart... but I answered his questions honestly (but as tactfully as possible). After a few days, things seemed to go back to normal, but I still almost want to cry when I think about it. I didn't and I don't care that he's not a Christian; I love him! Yes, I would be tickled pink if Christ came into his life, but I can't/wouldn't "coerce" him into it. We'd been together for almost a year when this happened, so he knew me very well.
Why did my being Catholic or Christian cause such scorn? I thought people who belonged to the "majority" that these people disliked so much didn't have to walk on eggshells about their faith to keep their friends. I'm not perfect, but I've never maligned someone because of their religion. No, I don't believe that all religions are true (it's logically impossible. If religion A says that you have to do/say ___ to go to paradise and religion B says nothing has to be done/said to gain paradise, they are mutually exclusive. Both can be wrong, but both can't be correct), but I do believe that every human has the right to believe as they they are personally convicted to do so. After all, Jesus cared for both the pagan Roman and the Jew, so why should I be any different towards a pagan or an atheist (which my boyfriend is)?
What brought this on? A moral dilemma, involving exactly this same pattern:
One of the other girls on my floor (two doors down) and I were talking outside in the hall for about an hour. We were kind of getting to know each other, and I noticed that she had a thick pentacle necklace on. As such, when she mentioned religious difficulties with her previous roommate, I asked if she was a pagan/wiccan. She gave me a somewhat longwinded explanation (basically, she is an eclectic pagan). A little later, she mentioned something about her pagan friend's roommate belonging to "that one evangelical Christian cult group". I won't name the group, but my one Christian friend (Mary, my old R.A) had told me about her experiences with it and I looked up it's website to find out what they preached. Hardly a cult, just a college church outreach group, different from others like it because it has a very large following. She then talked about how she would have dealt with having a Christian roommate (basically, "F*ck you, you're the reason that the world is f*cked up"). I wonder if this friend's roommate was truly obnoxious about her faith or if the friend had overreacted because of her stereotyped idea of Christians.
What to do? Do I simply avoid all mention of my beliefs around her (she never asked about mine? By the way, I don't wear a cross on most days, as I get out of bed with just enough time to smell and look presentable). Or, if the occasion presents itself, do I allude to my faith, like I would around people who I know won't get jumpy? Should I not display religious articles openly in my dorm room, as I would like to be her friend (she was very fun to talk to) and don't want to have my faith distort how she sees me?
I just don't know what to do. I've come a long way from having two separate lives, but why do I feel I must censor myself to not rock the boat while others are free to say as they please?
Well, my boyfriend said a few months ago, why not hang out with Christian people? Unfortunately, not all Christian groups are created equal, and, dare I say, I definitely don't look (most of the girls in these Christian groups are outgoing, gregarious, gung-ho about not even wanting to have sex until they're married, and dressed to show their figure, although not too immodestly) or act (I'm introverted, quiet about my faith, actually want to have sex with my boyfriend, and dress in black shirts and baggy blue jeans) the part. I don't want anything to do with 'parts' anymore. I want to be true to myself so I can be true to my God, my family, my lover, and the rest of the world. But how does one do that without hurting other people's feelings?

What do the friends I make say about me?

Dewa mata.

By the way, I don't like just writing out my internal questions that I ask myself when I write. Sorry!

Things have finally slowed down a bit. I feel like I haven't slowed down since this time last week between an American Chemical Society (ACS) exam and moving back into my dorm. The exam was REALLY hard! We had 110 minutes to answer 70 questions, and the study guide a classmate brought said that we should know just enough General Chemistry I concepts and math to be able to do the General Chemistry II concepts and math. Completely bogus! The first 2/3s of the exam was almost entirely Gen. Chem. I stuff. I can't remember how to calculate enthalpy or determine whether a certain atomic bond was a pi bond or a sigma bond to save my life... T_T But I got my results back pretty quickly, and I did slightly better than the class average and got in the 76th percentile (so he just turned that into 76%).I still haven't e-mailed him, so I don't know if I passed or not.

So, after packing that night and Wednesday morning, I moved back up to college. I have a single this year (my old roommate, Julie, was quite impressed with what me and my mom did with the room). I got to move in a week before everybody else because I signed up for Orientation Team (O-team), so I spent today helping pick out decorations and I built two treasure chests ^_^ However, nobody wanted to really start decorating, so my little group had nothing else to do and called it a day. I kinda excused myself from more socializing by saying I was going to take a nap. I might, actually, since I'm feeling a bit tired, but I really just wanted to have some down time.

That's going to be one of the greatest differences between this year and last; I have a room all to myself, so I can live as I please. I can stay up late on the computer, I can sleep in without worrying about hampering Julie's daily activities, and I can have some true alone time (without the chance of someone walking in). I'm an only child, so I'm very used to having plenty of time to myself. I'm used to studying alone, watching TV alone, sleeping alone, etc. Last semester, not only did I have a roommate, but I also had my boyfriend who loves to spend time with me. Yeah, I love spending time with him, and I really liked my roommate, but it seems like I spent all of last year either with Julie, him, or other friends. In fact, I can only remember a handful of days/nights I just had to myself to do whatever I wanted. This is incredibly unnatural for me, and is really the main reason why I requested having a room to myself this year. As said, I really hit it off with Julie, and I'm sure the hall director would pick another good roommate, but I really need alone time.

 They say that league bowlers generally are creatures of habit, and I'm finding that is pretty accurate in my case. Things being constantly in the air only helps my procrastinative tendencies. What if something comes up? It almost always does, and I temporarily lose sight  of the larger picture (e.g. hanging out with my boyfriend when I really need to do math). Then later, when my procrastination causes a crisis, I constantly belittle myself for both my lack of will power and my hypocrisy. After all, I rant to my not-so-studious friends (who seem to honestly think that losing a 7.5% homework grade won't so anything, without realizing that doing said homework would improve their lowered test scores) that they need to study, yet I find I procrastinate almost as much as they do. The only real differences between they and I are that I worry about it much more and I've almost always managed to pull stuff off at the last minute, while they rarely pull it off but are generally sanguine about it. Their parents, who are also paying for their college, seem to only expect mediocre grades while mine expect a great deal more (I had a 3.85 in high school, and I took almost every honors or AP class I could, so I wasn't taking easy courses). Again, to this point, I've pulled it off, but I'm afraid that I won't be able to forever.

So, I wanted to not have a roommate because I need to get myself in order, and part of that is playing to one's strengths to improve one's weaknesses. Since I'm a creature of habit, if I stick to a reasonable level of predictably, I can both improve my odds of not procrastinating and decrease my tension levels (and the associated problems of tension). If I stay reasonably solitary, then my odds get even better.

I'd elaborate more, but I just had another thought, and it would be more suited to a separate post as it has nothing to do with this little ramble (okay, that's not quite true, but I feel it would be a bit more organized in my head).

Ja!

As much as I like being long winded, I'll save that for a later entry. Even my sense of procrastination is breaking down in the wake of a final in two days. School in summer stinks...

I'm no chemistry whiz, and General Chemistry II will break all but the most chemically-minded. It probably wouldn't stink as much if I were better about managing my time. This is a perfect example: why am I starting a blog when I really should be writing about water hardness? I can think of plently of reasons...
1) I can't find my lab notebook, which has the information I need to write the paper.
          -That was solved by a clarifying call to Mom, who reminded me of bringing it with me to the bowling alley. It was in Dad's truck.
2) This is much more fun than writing a lab paper
          -I really can't argue that one. It IS more fun. Well, actually doing the lab was rather fun (I love doing titrations), but I really don't like writing about them. It's such a dry write... I bore myself to tears reading my own jargon-filled writing. You know something's wrong when your own writing stinks.
3) I have a fear of failure, and writing in a blog allows me to put off doing a stressful task whose outcome is both important and (to a degree) uncertain
          -Perhaps. I'll have to get my PsyD before I know for sure
4) I have a fear of success, and writing in a blog allows me to do something whose outcome is, in the bigger picture, irrelavent. No relavence = no success = preferable activity.
          -That could be as well. However, my fear of failure (i.e. D in Chemistry) will eventually kick this to the curb.
5) I am ashamed of my procrastinative (is that a word?) tendancies and shortcomings, and engaging in irrealavent tasks keeps my mind off my shame.
          -Well, if such shame is present, then blogging is better than Novacain.

I can think of more, but speaking of Novacain (which I recently learned is capilitalized), I really want to kick my last dentist's ass. I don't generally get angry with people, and I understand that to err is human and to forgive divine, but when one's former dentist didn't put the sealants in right or ever check them after that.... Well, I'm disliking him to the tune of 3 deep cavities (possibly 6), each one a potential root canal if they aren't filled relatively soon. Since I'm moving back up for school, I don't know when these'll get filled. I don't want a root canal, but I hate the whole cavity filling-proces... ;_;

Anyway, the Get-To-Work Fairy is coming on. I'll write some more in a few days after thangs cool down a bit

Ja!